Ain't No Cure For the Summertime Blues
by Ivory Tower
Summary: Snape's usual holiday of solitude is disrupted by his new newlwed neighbors Remus Lupin and Sirius Black, and Black just can't resist pushing Snape's buttons! ALL GLICHES ARE FIXED!!! Chapter 3: Snape and the garden gnomes feud.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all of the Harry Potter characters.  
  
Title: "Ain't No Cure For the Summertime Blues"  
  
By: Ivory Tower  
  
Summary: Snape's usual holiday of solitude is severly disrupted by his new newlywed neighbors Remus Lupin and Sirius Black, and Black just can't resist pushing Snape's buttons!  
  
The summer holiday had officially arrived and Severus Snape was more than ready. It took those three months to get all the pent up frustration out of his system. Early in the afternoon Snape went out to scrutinize the overgrown chaos of flora that made up his backyard. It was a damn good thing he grimly enjoyed uprooting weeds because he estimated about two weeks worth. Lighting a cigarette with his wand, Snape was distracted from his musing by a ruckus in the yard to his left. Until now the place had been empty for years and Severus dropped both his cigarette and his wand when he recognized the two new occupants.  
  
For a moment Snape thought he had heat exhaustion even though the temperature was a comfortable 79 degrees. Perhaps he'd finally cracked, which would explain why he saw Remus Lupin and Sirius Black hanging onto each other they were laughing so hard. Of all the gay couples on the planet why did it have to be *this* couple? Had he, Severus Snape, not suffered enough indignities in one lifetime? With a sour face he watched the two former maurauders survey the unkempt mess as though on a scenic tour. The dump probably reminded Black of his days spent in hiding before the Ministry of Magic had pardoned him. In that case Black should feel right at home in that atrocity of a backyard.  
  
"Moony, old boy, check it out!" Sirius held up what looked to be a fairly large disgusting muggle lawn ornament: that of a hideous squatting frog with horrifically dialated eyes- eyes that leered! Worst of all was the equally large idiotic grin on the frog's face; a tight-lipped grin that spread the entire width of the frog's face in bright red paint. Remus took one look at the demented thing and burst into merry peals of laughter. Snape's mood slipped another notch. That was when the merry couple must have felt those black eyes of hatred upon them.  
  
For a split second Sirius's arms twitched, betraying his urge to fling the frog lawn ornament at Snape. Remus took a calmer approach and stepped cautiously forward. "Severus, is that you?"  
  
In truth Snape momentarily debated denying his true identity but knew that even Sirius Black was not *that* dense. "Lupin." Snape acknowledged with cold formality. "Black." Snape did not meet Black's gaze. He couldn't else he would pick up his wand and wind up in Azkaban.  
  
"I had no idea you lived so far from the city," continued Lupin mildly.  
  
"That's obvious."  
  
"Oooh! Look at all the mind-altering plants." Sirius tossed aside the frog ornament and boldly marched over to the fence where he rudely peered over into Severus's yard. "Do you have a permit to grow that stuff, Snape?"  
  
"Yes." Snape felt his jaw harden. "I doubt you have been recently appointed as an inspector for the Ministry, Black. You know I grow these for-"  
  
"Medicinal purposes. Sure. Sure. That's what they all say, Snape. Hey, Moony, ten Galleons says Snape's got himself a Zen room!"  
  
"Sirius, do you have ten Galleons?"  
  
"No, but you might."  
  
Severus couldn't take anymore. "I'm going in," he snarled and stomped into his house.  
  
A week or two passed without much incident unless you counted the minor disagreement between Remus and Sirius as they tidied their backyard. This quickly resulted in a playful mudfight that got out of hand when a large glob of muck, courtesy of Sirius Black, splatted Snape's back. Severus halted his de-weeding and whirled around to glare at the two men. Lupin looked alarmed and amused and Black looked downright gleeful. "Whoops! Sorry," he said without any sincerity in his tone.  
  
"Keep your mud in your own yard, dammit!" shouted Snape.  
  
Sirius pursed his lips for a moment. "Sandy made me do it."  
  
"Who the Hell's Sandy?" both Remus and Severus wanted to know.  
  
"You know. Sandy." Black patted the head of the horrid frog ornament. It was beyond deranged-those eyes were dialated just like a junkies. Snape shook his head in disgust and returned to his yardwork. "Sandy! Stop gawking at Snape's skinny ass!"  
  
"I do not have a skinny ass and you're one to talk you gangly pervert!" Snape's eyes shot poisonous daggers at Black's smirking face.  
  
"Sorry Snape. Didn't realize you wanted to have a fat ass."  
  
"Sirius, that's enough," Remus managed to say between chuckles.  
  
Imbecils! It was all their fault this yard work was taking twice as long as it should. How he'd dearly love to de-Lupin and de-Black the property next to him! In his anger Severus kicked a scurrying yard gnome. "Arrrgh!" yelled the gnome as it sailed across the yard. Snape swore he heard it call him a vulgar name as it landed in the hedges. Even the gnomes were against him!  
  
Later that evening Remus was sitting outside, relaxing with a tall glass of lemonade. Overall he felt quite pleased with the progess both Sirius and he had made in such a short timeframe. He was considering what he should purchase to use for a ground cover when Sirius bolted out the back door stark naked and blowing one of those muggle party favors. Remus spat out lemonade at record distance and sat, torn between the horror and the hilarity of the spectacle. "Sirius, I know this isn't the city but have *some* modesty! Where did you get that muggle thing?"  
  
"Found it next to that stereo thingy. These are kinda fun, actually."  
  
While giving a resigned shrug Remus was startled by a loud bang coming from Snape's yard. The backdoor had flung open and out marched a blinking Severus with tousled hair. 'Oh fuck! We woke him up!' thought Remus apprehensively. He opened his mouth to apologize but Snape had woken up enough to see exactly what was going on. His black eyes grew very large and his mouth tightend. Sirius, hands on hips while still blowing the party favor, was casually facing Snape without a tinge of embarrassment.  
  
A deep silence ensued as Black and Snape regarded each other: one with mere curiosity, the other with shock and mounting horror. Snape uttered something like a gasp then promptly turned and dashed back inside. Sirius shrugged dismissively and turned back around, blowing on the noise-maker. Remus buried his face in his hands, hardly knowing if he should laugh or cry. That one might have been one too many for Severus Snape. Concern filled Remus's face as an odd tangant of hysterical babbling issued from the Potion Master's house.  
  
A/N: Want more? Did you even like it? Review and tell me what you think. If you liked this you'll like my most recent works "Rootbeer Halloween Party" and "Parody Parodise" Insanity, wittiness and fun for everyone! 


	2. Moonlight Melodies

"Moonlight Melodies"  
  
Author: Ivory Tower  
  
Disclaimer: Damn you, J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters. I can't wait for the movie to come out on VHS and DVD so I can drool over Snape for hours and hours and hours...  
  
Over a week had passed since the "nude whistle incident", as Remus called it. Snape spent a great deal of time indoors and abruptly stopped his work to scurry inside whenever Sirius came out. Aside from finding this amusing, Remus felt a bit of sympathy for poor Severus. Who would have thought the dreaded Potions Master, who lurked about the creepy dungeons, was shy when it came to nudity? It was kind of cute.  
  
The full moon would leave Remus indisposed for the next few days. He'd managed to find a decent apothecary that special ordered the Wolfsbane potion. The potion worked well enough though Remus always had a queasy stomach after drinking the stuff. He had hoped to buy a large quantity from Severus; the man "knew his shit" as Sirius distastefully put it. Unfortunately, Sirius's uncouth behavior had placed a bit of a dampart on the whole neighboring experience. Remus really didn't feel comfortable asking Severus for his aid after Sirius had flashed the man, unintentionally or not.  
  
The breezy summer evening calmed Severus's frazzled nerves as he patrolled the yard, catching fireflies in a jar. To be sure, there was an easier way to nab fireflies, but Snape had done this since he was a child and found the process comforting. The night-eyes potion took a long time to stew, which explained why it was only taught in Advanced Potions. Also, Snape found this particular potion to be quite useful and always procured a large amount for himself.  
  
With his placid mind concentrating on fireflies, Snape's body spasmed when an odd twanging interrupted the peaceful dusk. In a short amount of time he discovered the source of the irritating noise: Sirius Black sitting on a large rock wearing nothing but cut-offs and a battered guitar.  
  
"Boys and girls," he began, strumming the 3 remaining guitar strings, "it's time for 'Songs with Sirius'."  
  
Snape rolled his eyes and rudely turned his back on the idiot amateur musician. Somehow his childhood past-time had lost its sparkle. Damn that bastard Black!  
  
"There's a skinny white man with a bugjar,"sang Sirius, horribly offkey. The rusty guitar strings were out of tune and sounded more like dull razor blades against old springs. Snape gritted his teeth and tried to block the musical travesty. "Bugjar Snape, oh yeah. Fireflies for his honey in the Zen room, yeah yeah!"  
  
"Will you shut up at once? Stop singing that foolish song!"  
  
Sirius shrugged and attempted to tune the guitar strings. With a frown etched into his thin face, Snape stepped forward, tripping over a garden gnome. The firefly jar glided a few feet before it hit the ground and the fruits of his labor escaped into the night sky. Were he alone, Snape would have pounded the ground with his fists and cried.  
  
"Watch where you're going you..." The garden gnome called Snape a very foul name indeed and kicked him before scurrying into a nearby hole.  
  
"Sandy, this one's for you," sang Sirius in a jovial tone, strumming the now unbelievably out-of-tune guitar strings and half-heartedly singing in a quick manner, "I have a butt, but don't we all? Except for Sev. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!"  
  
A loud whack and CLUNG of the guitar hitting the ground followed this little ditty. Snape had accioed a sack of dirt to whop Sirius a good one.  
  
"Stop making fun of my butt," roared Snape, clenching his wand furiously.  
  
Disoriented, Sirius leaned against the rock. "I only sing the truth, Snape. Truth is, your ass is so flat you could use it to do laundry like those old-fashioned muggle women used to-"  
  
"Shut UP! Leave me and my ass alone!" A little too late, Severus realized the error of what he'd just shouted.  
  
Sirius completely lost his composure and rolled on the ground with laughter. The garden gnomes fell over each other they were laughing so hard. Worse still, they broke into a horrid chorus of: "Skinny butt jar man".  
  
Snape blasted them across the yard with his wand and informed Sirius Black that he, Severus, hated the Gryffindor with the essence of his very soul. Quaking with rage, Snape stormed into the house, grumbling hateful things.  
  
Sirius shrugged his shoulders, then turned to look at Sandy, the hideous frog lawn ornament. With a smile, Sirius picked up his shabby guitar and strummed a time or two.  
  
"Skin-ny butt jar maaan..."  
  
~FIN~ 


	3. When Gnomes Attack

Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters.  
  
  
  
Snape was outside gathering lemon balm leaves to crush for a potion, going out of his way to ignore Lupin, who was deadheading his miniature rose bush. At least Lupin was quiet. Black was (Snape gritted his teeth) intolerable. Lighting a cigarette with his wand, Severus's sharp eyes honed in on a garden gnome making a hat out of his, Snape's, chocolate mint leaves. Chocolate mint leaves were about as useless as garden gnomes, but Snape liked the way they smelled. Besides, he was irritated at the garden gnomes for making fun of him.  
  
"Get the hell out of there," yelled Snape, cigarette clenched between his teeth. He zapped the gnome into a patch of Belladonna. Gnomes wre allergic to the stuff and sneezed themselves silly when near it.  
  
Remus looked up from his treasured miniature roses to see Snape brandishing his wand at the Belladonna plants and saying,"Who's laughing now?" He looked crazed.  
  
About this time, Sirius strode outside holding a knife.  
  
"Hey candyass, how many fish fillets you want? One or two?"  
  
"One. Don't burn the chips. Sirius, why are you wearing a derby?"  
  
"Because I can." Sirius noticed movement in his neighbor's yard and peered over. "What's Snape up to?"  
  
"Getting even with his Belladonna plant."  
  
"Oooookay. Hey, Snape, nice jeans!"  
  
Sirius referred to the Slytherin's faded black jeans with two enormous holes in the knees. HIs legs were very white and rather bony. Sirius whistled.  
  
"Shut up, you pervert. That hat looks utterly rediculus on you."  
  
"I'm sorry. Do you want it?"  
  
"No!" Snape whirled around and stalked towards a lawnchair, where he slumped and smoked with a scowl on his face.  
  
Remus worked in content silence until he was pelted with a chip. He retaliated by throwing a dirtclod, and suceeded in knocking Sirius's derby off. Somehow, this turned into a game where the players used dirtclods and attempted to knock the derby off Sandy the frog lawn ornament. When they tired of the game they decided to go in and eat. As they neared the door they noticed a suspicious looking brigade of garden gnomes with their heads together. For someone as structured as Snape it was strange he couldn't rid his yard of the creatures. He certinly did not appear to appreciate them much.  
  
A fortnight passed with little incident, unless you counted Remus and Sirius getting drunk. The only eventful thing about that had been Remus repeatedly tripping over Sandy, and falling flat on his face every time. Their yard was really coming along nicely now. Sirius rather liked the somewhat "untamed" look about it, as compared to Snape's concise flora. The man probably had his plants in alphabetical order. Sirius wondered what the man's cupboard looked like.  
  
One breezy afternoon, Remus was on his hands and knees, carefully checking the leaves of what looked to be a Mandrake growing near the back fence. Occasionally, he glanced over into the yard to see Snape pouring an odd greenish-orange liquid over a clump of especially tough weeds. The sickly green hue of the smoke rising from the drenched weeds gave Remus a feeling of foreboding. A garden gnome trotted by singing, "Skinnnny buttt jaaaar maaaaaaan" in a drawling tone akin to that of a sheep. Remus was hard pressed not to lose his composure. He knew all about Sirius's concert via overhearing the garden gnomes conversing.  
  
Sitting back on his heels, Remus surveyed the yard, trying to find the ideal spot for a small gazebo. A very small gazebo. Briefly, his eyes caught Snape sitting in his chair with a glass of who-knows-what. Severus leaned back and promptly tipped all the way over, long lanky legs flying upward, beverage soaring over the fence into Lupin's yard.  
  
"Severus? Are you okay?" Remus jogged over, trying not to laugh as a brigade of on-looking gnomes guffawed and gave one another high fives. Placing his hands on top of the fence and peering over, Remus beheld Snape sprawled flat on his back, eyes large with surprise, hand still clasping the glass. "Severus, are you hurt?"  
  
"No." Snape sat up and instantly inspected his chair. His gaze shot over to the garden gnomes. "You little bastards broke my chair!" Snape lunged at them.  
  
"Run for it," shouted a gnome, and they sprinted towards the nearest hole, Snape scrambling after them, trailing threats.  
  
Of course by now Remus was holding his stomach he was laughing so hard. Severus got on his feet, eyes shooting daggers at the gnome hole.  
  
"You're going down," he announced, jutting a long, thin finger at them. Then he noticed Lupin watching the scenario and calmed a bit. "They are going to be very sorry for breaking my chair," he informed Remus, sounding a bit more like the collected, callous Potions Master than a raging looney. He didn't see a brave gnome scurry to the surface and moon him.  
  
Lupin was still laughing when he went inside for a glass of Kool-Aid. Sirius was at the kitchen table fiddling with the innards of a pocket watch. It took Remus several minutes to coherently fill him in on Snape's battle with the garden gnomes.  
  
"...and he just lie there like a squashed bug! I can still see it!"  
  
"I always miss the good stuff," complained Sirius. "You should start taking a camera out there."  
  
Remus chuckled again, then focused on Sirius's work.  
  
"That looks very tedious. Why are you tinkering with it anyway?" He went over and brushed a lock of black hair out of Sirius's face.  
  
"Well, first I wanted to see exactly how many parts make up a simple pocket watch. Secondly, I'm attempting to charm the parts so the watch'll announce things like "time to fu-".  
  
Remus slapped a hand over Sirius's mouth. "You can't take that out in public if you do manage it."  
  
Sirius grinned. "Guess what time it is?"  
  
Next chapter: Snape officially declares war on the garden gnomes. 


End file.
